09 April 2022

Until we meet again someday


I'd be lying if I said I wasn't taking everything extremely hard. Habits you don't realize you had when you shared a space with your companion for so long sink like pebbles in your chest, followed by the faintest "oh, right..." Little things piling up, like tiptoeing in the morning to quietly open the fridge, tilting my glass to softly add ice to my water — things I did so I wouldn't wake her up. The hardest one is not seeing her out of the corner of my eye anymore, because she was never too far away. She loved sitting in my lap, hanging over my arms or resting her chin on my desk while I worked. As soon as I got in bed, she would jump right up and immediately start sleeping next to me. Nibbles was the perfect companion for a lonely person like me, and I miss her terribly.

I picked up her ashes from the hospital today. The staff who greeted me took the time to say such tender words about her, about how everyone in the hospital felt her loss and will miss her chattiness. I told her how I genuinely believed she lived so much longer than her initial diagnosis because of their love and care, and I really meant it. As much as I try to fight back what-ifs and the beginnings of regrets and guilt, I think I, and they, did everything we could to make sure she was as comfortable as possible. I try to hold onto that these days.

On the day we laid her to rest, they gave me a couple options beyond cremation or burial. One of the options was a communal cremation, where her ashes would be scattered along with other families' beloved companions. There's beauty in scattering ashes into the wind, the forests, the ocean, and apparently for us it's at the top of Mt. Rainier. It's my first time giving a pet something proper, and while the idea of that was so achingly beautiful, I ultimately decided on a private cremation. 

I wasn't sure what to expect, so I worried about how everything would arrive once her remains were ready to be picked up. Once I sat down to look at everything, my worries softly faded away and I began to cry. Everything came packaged beautifully, the urn itself delicately delivered in a velvet navy blue pouch.
Her urn is everything I could have ever imagined, and caught me completely by surprise. The delicate hand-carved flowers, the rosewood... I didn't think it would come personalized, let alone engraved. 

The clay paw print really drove home just how small she was for a cat. I'll treasure these forever.

Thank you to the veterinarians and specialists who make this process kinder. I think I can sleep a little better knowing she's home.

03 April 2022

My moon.


The sun has set and risen, and for the first time in 21 beautiful, loving years, you are not here by my side.
When I'm left alone in the silence, thoughts trickle down into my heart and I wonder.
Did I kiss your forehead enough times?
Did I hug you long enough, as close to my heart as possible?
Did I cherish and treasure you properly?

Were you happy and comfortable?
Did I tell you how much I love you, maybe not with words, but with every atom of my being, every thought released into the universe?
I'd like to think so.
Every night I fell asleep and woke up to you laying next to me. How can I summarize how much you meant to me with words? You were everything to me and taught me, in only a way a lifelong companion could, how to love unconditionally, and wholly.

They said 5 years ago that you had 2-3 years left at most. But you were a fighter, and you had to see me through the worst years of my life to make sure I came out of them safely. How many times did I cry while holding you in my arms, being comforted by your gentleness and warmth? How many times did I fall asleep knowing you were watching over me? I know you still will, even after this.
You've been with me since I was 9, I gave you the name Nibbles because you always played with my stuffed animals and carried them down the stairs everywhere. You were just barely my second pet, and I was such a handful. But you filled my life with so much joy and love. I know you touched the hearts of so many of my friends, family, and even strangers. I will always love you, and I know you will always love me.
It's going to be so hard without you, you've been with me for most of my life, and we grew up together.

But I would do this all again a hundred times over. After loving and being loved by you, I know we would find each other again, every time.
You will always be my funny baby girl. Thank you for everything. I love you so, so much.

Nov 1, 2001 — Apr 2, 2022

22 May 2021

Ferns and fittonias pt. II

The sun looked really nice dappled all over the ferns, so I took some photos of them in their new pot. 
I like these long rectangular pots for now, but I'm quickly running out of space to put everything.
The dieffenbachia won't stop growing, which is a good problem to have, isn't it? My mom told me that it's almost as old as I am -- maybe even older. It was a cutting off of her old boss' already large plant back when I was a kid, and it's been getting taller with me.
There's something about it's incredibly large leaves that are so comforting. I'm glad I got thicker support stakes for it.
Repotting is very therapeutic -- though a bit messy. Good thing we have hardwood floors. :p

20 May 2021

Ferns and fittonias

I've been feeling a bit more confident with my plant care, so I decided to venture out and get some new additions to my little apartment garden. The one in the back is an austral gem fern, also known as a hen & chicken fern, parsley fern, or a mother spleenwort.
Indirect and partial sun plants will probably thrive the best in our apartment, especially here when cloudy days are all we have sometimes. This one is a lemon button fern, known by quite a few names. My favorites are fishbone fern, kupukupu, and ladder fern.
This one is a fittonia, also known as a nerve plant, mosaic plant, and painted net leaf. My mom liked this one in particular for the striking reds against the greens.

We also bought a rex begonia that I didn't get a chance to photograph today, so I'll try to get better shots of it later. :)